The Strange Houseplant
I had a dreadful feeling about that houseplant from the moment it first came into my possession. It was delivered on a dark and misty Halloween night, and although I was expecting a package from our local garden centre, it was most unusual for anyone to make a special journey, and certainly not at such an unearthly hour.
It was barely three-o-clock as I went downstairs and became aware of a presence beyond the reeded glass in our front door. There was no knock and the bell did not ring but something drew me into the hall where I could see the shadowy figure of a man in black. He was standing in the porch and beckoning with a slow wave of his hand, As I moved towards him, there was a chill in the air and the lights started to flicker, leaving me with a feeling of acute anxiety. I wanted to cry out but words would not come. Fear gripped me as I tried to move away but my limbs would not respond.
I stood motionless and in terror as the door gradually opened. A spidery hand extended towards me offering a package which I felt compelled to accept. The figure did not speak, but there was an intent look about its face. It seemed to impress upon me the importance of the contents. I instinctively knew this to be a living thing that the apparition was commanding me to nurture, and that terrible things would happen if I did not obey. As if to re-inforce it's command, the figure stared at me and held me in it's gaze for a minute or two before it slowly retreated into the swirling mist.
I stood motionless in the hall, aware of my pounding heart and the heaviness of my breathing. I looked at the clock, it was ten past three. The air still had a chill, but nothing like the coldness I felt only minutes before, and my composure gradually returned. Had I been dreaming? I looked at my hands and there was the package. It was black,it was shapeless, it was evil. The sensation of fear came flooding back and I cried out in alarm as it slipped from my grasp and fell to the floor.
The outburst awakened my wife Emma, who came swiftly down the stairs and into the hall. "Whatever is the matter?" she enquired. "You loock as white as a sheet." My lip trembled, "I've seen a ghost!" I said. "Oh dont be silly!" she retorted "You've just had a bad dream - come on back to bed!" "No dear" I insisted, "I really have seen a ghost and it left this package." Emma was not impressed, "Oh come on darling!" she teased, "Who ever heard of a ghost doing a thing like that? Come on up to bed, you'll feel better in the moraing."
Somehow, Emma's self assurance and light hearted reaction eased the tension. Perhaps she was right, perhaps it was a dream, perhaps the package had been left in the porch. Maybe it was old Charlie Bates. He worked in the Garden Centre and had set aside a rather special Cheese plant that both Emma and I had taken a fancy to. I looked at the package once more. What if I opened it??? No! Emma was right! There would be plenty of time to look at it in the morning, and I put it down on the little side table. She glanced at me and smiled with a re-assuring look that only close and loving partners understand. "Come to bed darling" she cooed in a soft voice, "You'll feel better in the morning." We looked at one another, held hands and slowly went back up the stairs.
The followling morniang was a complets contrast to the night before. The sun was shining, and the mists had disappeared. It was a beautiful warm Autumn day without a cloud in the sky. Emma had cooked a good old fashioned English breakfast with two fried eggs each, bacon, mushrooms, crispy fried bread, toast, homemade marmalade, plenty of hot strong tea, and a large glass of orange juice to start. We took our time over the breakfast, read the papers, and washed up together as we always did.
"Well!" Emma said, "You certainly didn't let that rough night spoil your appetite. I thought you'd be too tired to tuck into a big breakfast this morning." "You know me darling," I chirped, "The old batteries are pretty resilient. It would take more than a bad dream to knock me over." "I don't know," Emma teased, "You were in a bit of a state last night. I've never seen you so distressed." "Yes," I reflected, "It was a pretty vivid dream and I have to thank you for bringing me dowm to earth. If you hadn't come down when you did, who knows what I might have done."
After breakfast I went into the hall and right in front of me was the package just as I had left it, on the side table. Without a second thought I opened it and there it was, the Cheese Plant old Charlie Bates had picked out for us at the Garden Centre. "Emma!" I called, "Come and look at this!" She breezed into the hall, "Well!" she exclaimed "I knew it all the time, you just had a bad dream"
As with most plants from a Garden Cerntre, you nearly always have to re-pot them if you want them to grow, and this was no exception. I carefully 'tapped' it out from it's little plastic container and put it into a much larger pot with plenty of compost and a mixture of bone meal and fertiliser to give it a really good start. Emma took charge of the watering, and the plant looked in splendid shape with prominent aerial roots and beautifully sculptured leaves. Initially, we thought the best place for it would be in front of the sitting room fireplace. It could remain there undisturbed for long periods and act as a very useful 'screen'.
It must have been four or five days before Emma had occasion to look at the plant again, and she was rather puzzled at what she saw. She did not say anything at the time, but raised the matter during casual conversation. "Jim!" she enquired, "How fast do these Cheese plants grow?" "Oh, much the same as any other plant" I replied. "Why do you ask?" "Well, I thought our plant was growing a bit fast that's all." "Oh, I dont think it's anything to worry about darling," I replied. "After all, we did give it a good feed and maybe we went a little bit over the top. It will probably settle down in a week or two."
Two weeks later, Emma raised the matter again. We were browsing through the papers at breakfast. "Darling!" She said casually, "You know I asked you about the growth rate of that Cheese plant a week or two back?" "Yes dear!" "Well, I do wish you would have a look at it for me, it does seem to be getting a little out of hand and I think we might have problems in shifting it if we want to have a fire at the week end.
I. looked up from my paper. "Alright dear!" I said, "I'll have a look at it sometime today!" and went on reading. There was a moment or two's pause before Emma chipped in again. "Darling! Would you mind having a look at it now? - I am rather worried!" I looked over the top of the paper once more. "Can't it wait dear?" I said rather irritably, "It can't be that urgent." "Well you do tend to forget things darling, and I am a little anxious." "Oh all right then!" I snapped, "Let's have a look."
Ignoring my tetchiness, Emma preceded me into the hall and then into the sitting room. She stood aside as we entered, "You see what I mean darling, it is rather large isn't it!" My mouth dropped open and I could hardly believe my eyes. "Bloody hell!" I gasped in alarm, "You sald it was a little bit on the big side. This is a monster! It's more than six feet tall and the aerial roots are running everywhere like tentacles. It's not a cheese plant, it's a flaming Triffid!. Less than three weeks ago it was only six inches high!"
Emma seemed stunned by my reaction. "But darling!" she protested, "I did tell you it was growing very fast on two separate occasions and you didn't seem concerned." "I know you did!" I replied "But you never said it was this big! This is like a thing from outer space If we don't do something it will take over - it will have to go!" As I said that, the room filled with a high pitched sound, just as if there were thousands of pieces of glass touching one another in a gentle breeze.
I locked at Emma, "Did you hear that?" I enquired, "This thing understands what we are saying and is showing it's displeasure!" "Oh that's silly!" she said, "Plants can't understand what we are saying and they don’'t make noises." She moved a little closer to the plant and I put out my hand to stop her. As I did so, one of the aerial roots moved with lightning speed, striking me on the hand with such force that it drew blood. I pulled her back and another root took a vicious swipe. This time it caught me in the face and opened up a cut more than an inch in length.
We quickly withdrew into the hall and shut the sitting room door. Emma was terrified, and I was trembling from head to foot. She was the first to speak. "It attacked you darling!" she sobbed, "It wanted to hurt you! it's evil!" Blood was streaming down my face as Emma regained her composure. She looked at my wounds. "We must cover these up and stop the bleeding!" she paused for a moment as she investigated the cut on my face, "That one is quite deep and may need stitches!" "Not before I've got rid of that bloody plant!" I retorted, "It will have to go today!"
Emma was quite firm, "Let me deal with these first" she said, "That thing can wait for an hour or two, these injuries can't!" As always, Emma proved to be a very good 'nurse' and quickly had matters under control, albeit that the plaster on my face locked a bit unsightly. Fortunately, the damage seemed slight but it could so easily have cost the sight of an eye had the root struck an inch or so higher.
On Emma's insistence, we rested a few minutes and had a stiff brandy before taking action. I was determined that we should tackle the problem ourselves. The thought of bringing in the police or any of the public services with all the red tape and possible ridicule made me shudder; we just had to do this on our own. As I saw it, we had to destroy the plant where it was and as quickly as possible. If we attempted to remove it, we would be attacked. If we left it alone it would soon take over the whole house. The question was, 'How should we kill it?'.
The most obvious method seemed to be the administration of a lethal dose of herbicide, but which one and how? We wanted something that would be fast acting and reasonably safe to use. For a moment or two we just sat there in silence with our eyes glued to the floor. It was Emma who spoke first. "Why don't we get in touch with Jack Symmonds?" she sald, "After all, he is an old friend and a botanist of considerable standing. He is more likely to help us than anyone else we know." I looked up as if a weight had been taken off my shoulders. "Of course Emma!, you clever girl!, why didn't I think of him!"
I made three attempts to contact our friend before he answered the telephone. "Jack!" I said, "It's Jim here!, how are you?, I've been trying to contact you all morning but nobody's been answering the phone." "Oh I'm sorry Jim, I've been out shopping with Mary. What can I do for you?" I explained the situation to him as well as I could, "Jim!" he queried, "Are you all right? this all seems a bit far fetched!" I took a deep breath and continued, "I know it does Jack, but we both felt you were the only one we could turn to - we really are in trouble. Could you come over?" "0.K. Jim!" he replied, I'll be with you in fifteen minutes."
It was the longest fifteen minutes of our lives, but Jack was bang on time. "I hope you're not having me on Jim!" he said as he got out of his car. "Jack!" I responded, "I only wish I was. This thing is getting right out of control." "0.K.!" he said, "You lead the way." We walked up the drive and went round the back of the house and into the kitchen. Emma was standing by the hall door. She pointed to the sitting room, "It's in there Jack!" she said, "But please be careful, it's already attacked Jim," Qur friend walked into the hall with an air of confidence, he put his hand on the door knob, turned it and started to walk in.
Suddenly, the air was filled with an earsplittiing sound. It was almost as though ten thousand horsemen had gathered in our garden and were cracking their whips, all at the same time. Jack fell backwards into the hall with at least half a dozen roots winding around his arms and legs, "Quick Emma!" I yelled, "Give me a sharp knife!" She had already anticipated a problem, and thrust a large carving knife into my hand. I threw myself into the fray, hacking at the roots while Emma pulled Jack away by the shoulders. Almost at the same time, I grabbed the door and pulled it towards me, trapping some of the roots in the frame as I did so.
Somehow, we managed to get it shut and I locked it. Jack was as white as a sheet. Emma made him sit down and gave him a glass of water. "Are you hurt?" she enquired. "I don't think so Emma, but that bloody thing frightened the life out of me." Emma looked worried. "We really shouldn’'t have asked you to come." "Oh no!" Jack replied, "I'm glad you did. That's what friends are for." It tock several minutes for Jack to regain his composure and in a way we felt relieved that he had experienced the horror for himself. He understandably had reservations about my story but this attack had convinced him that we were telling the truth. For some time he sat in the kitchen, looking ocut of the window as if he was in another world.
Suddenly, he spun round and looked me straight in the eye. "Jim!" he said, "There's only one way of making sure that we kill this thing stone dead. We'll have to administer a dose of one of the strongest herbicides known to man. I've got the formula for a binary chemical used to destroy vegetation during the Vietnam war. Just one milligramme would be more than enough for that thing." "Would it be toxic to humans and animals?" Emma enquired. "Not necessarily!" Jack replied, "It’'s made up of two readlily available and harmless chemicals. These have to be mixed together in the right proportions before it will work - that's why it's called a bipary."
"How soon could you get some of this stuff?" I enquired. "Almost at once!" said Jack, "That's the beauty of it." "How will you administer it?" Emma asked. "I'm afraid we'll have to drill a hole in your sitting rcoom door and use an atomising hand pump - that should do the trick." Emma grabbed his arm, "Oh Jack!, we would be most grateful if you could - dont worry about the door, that can be replaced."
It took about three hours for Jack to assemble the chemicals and equipment but by three o-clock that afternoon we were ready to start. I had already drilled a hole in the door and plugged it with a bung to stop any roots coming through. The amount of chemical being used was small, but we were assured that it would work. At ten minutes past three, Jack had the atomiser in position and I removed the bung. He thrust it into the hole and worked the plunger, giving no more than a few pumps. For a minute or two nothing happened, but suddenly, all hell broke loose.
First, there was the familiar tinkling noise that the plant gave out when it was angry, and then the air was filled with the noise of ten thousaud whipcracks. The whole room seemed to explode in a cacophony of sound. Furniture was thrown about and glass smashed. The noise became more and more intense when suddenly there was silence. We waited outside the sitting room door for a good ten minutes before we dared enter.
I went in first to be greeted with a scene of utter devastation. All the furniture and ornaments had been smashed, the walls had been stripped of our precious pictures, and the Hi-Fi was in ruins. Astonishingly, the plant had disappeared without trace. Nothing remained, not one piece of aerial root or leaf could be seen. Emma was relieved that the plant had gone, but heartbroken at the loss of her precious possessions. We left her to rummage for a while whilst we went into the kitchen for a much needed beer.
I was right in the middle of thanking Jack for his splendid support when Emma gave a startled cry. "Jim!" she called, "Come quickly!" Jack and I jumped to our feet in alarm. "What is it?" I pleaded as we ran into the room. She was pointing at the fireplace. "Look!" she cried, "Look at that!" I could hardly believe my eyes. Huddled under the debris was the wizened corpse of an old man in black. The same figure that had delivered the strange house plant to me on the night of Halloween.
